mike

Friday, November 28, 2003

Ok, so its been a LONG time since I have posted something up here but for some reason I've decided to.

This year has been a huge change for me, a year of reflection and growing. I've found things in my life I've liked and kept strong to and things in my life I've found to be utterly hideous. And yet the biggest thing I've learned is that I must grow and change to mature into a person that I can rely on; which is myself.

I've been through a lot this past year. Just this summer I had no money for food therefore I ate only rice and butter for 2 straight months. I've also had to live without electricity for a month which was even worse. Throughout this semester I worked 40-50 hours a week at nights and spent 15-20 hours at school during the day. But through it all I remained strong because of this line that I heard on TV which always remains in my thought. "Do I feel sorry for you? Yes I do, but do I feel pity for you? No. Why? Because there are a lot of people much worse off than you." -Mrs. Landingham (West Wing).

After a while, going through things like that really puts things in perspective. I mean, if you have no money and no food and your literally starving, little things like gossip or trying to be cool doesn't really matter anymore. I mean for those 2 months without food, I was craving meat so bad I woulda done anything for a hamburger! It's fun to think back on those times and grin at the harshness of it but it also makes you really understand the important things in life.

I guess when I think back to simpler times, I'm most sad at the strain and lost friendships of people I was friends with back in those days. People who you were closest to most of your life are just simply not there anymore. I guess things are never really forever in this world. I guess its most important to focus on what matters and get through life.

I always wondered if it was a good idea to become independent and I guess in the long run it is. I feel like I've matured a lot and I've gotten a grasp on the important things in life that I never really knew back than. I guess my biggest regret was letting go the one person I truly loved most in my life which would be my ex-girlfriend. I was my fault I let her go but I don't think she ever really knew how much I loved her or how much she meant to me. It's too late to go back in the past and the only way to live is to move on but it will be a regret that I will have to get over in the ensuing years. In regards to her, there was no one more devoted to me or vice versa that I have ever experienced. One good thing I have to say is that any future relationships I have will have a template to fill which is to say I want someone just as good as she was. The downside is even though thats a good thing to strive for, there are not a lot of girls that are that way which means I'm going to have to get used to the lonely life.

This Thanksgiving has really brought a lot of things in perspective. I love my life and I have given up on trying to change it to what I want. This doesn't mean I'm going to give up striving to be what I want to be but I'm confident that God will let me know what he wants me to do. The whole time I was striving to change the course of my life, it was like wrestling with a raging river with me trying to tell it where to go. In time, I'm sure I'll figure out what I want to do but for now I'm just glad that I have food in my belly and heating to drive away the cold winter.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 2:37 AM

Thursday, February 20, 2003

Well, its been more than a year since I've updated or done anything to this site. However, certain changes within my life are screaming for a place for me to vent the feelings and rage somewhere. So I decided this place would be a good start. I've given up all hope and other people reading this site, therefore I am going to probably vent out the unmitigated truth.

I can't sleep. I haven't slept in 2 days. I lie awake, and I just lay there, and it doesn't come. And I can't figure out why.
I wish I had a bottle of sake to drink. The reason being, the Japanese have a tradition or a myth in which sipping sake will either taste clean and refreshing or bitter and dull. The former symbolizes a peaceful coexistance of man and self and the latter signifies something seriously wrong with one's inner self.

Yet, I run off on another tangent. So I've decided to list out the major problems in my life in order from the most important to the least.
1: Money. I can't even pay the rent right now let alone my power bill.
2: Direction. I need to focus myself into a well honed driven machine bent on making myself a success.
3: Woman. Oh Lord, let's not get into this.
4: Shall we say money again?

I honestly do not know where I can get the money to pay for my apartment. I am slowly going crazy. I eat once a day, more often than not none and I hate mooching off my friends. I would rather starve. The bonus of being free from my parents is the freedom in itself but the downside is again money. One of my best friends, Jules, bless her heart, actually offered to float me while I try to get settled in. I sear I felt such emotion when she offered I thought I might actually cry. But I would rather self myself or something than borrow money for her. I don't know, but I wouldn't want to disappoint her and I feel she is the only of my friends left that I have had for a long time.

It's funny that I sacrifice my money for cat food than my own. But I think I can stand to lose some weight and hopefully that will be the way to go. Now on to direction. I need to think hard on this, but I will from now on and the following days after. Women. Oh Lord, how I love women. And sometimes women love me. But through my carefree days of relationships and parties, I have begun to slowly realize that I miss those innocent days of not knowing what I know. I have become a slave to my body. Am I just fooling myself in these various promiscious relationships I have had with women and friends or can I actually live like this? I found out that a friend of mine just slept with a woman I was kinda of seeing casually (insert imagination here) and if this was a year ago, I wouldn't have minded. But for some reason, I find myself obsessively perturbed and seriously off-centered. For some reason, I find myself up here at 5 am writing about this and a dull but familiar ache where my heart is. This dull familiar ache brings bittersweet memories of my first love Jane. Oddly, this ache hasn't ever come back in about 4 years. I had all but given up on my heart feeling any sort of emotion, whether love or pain and it's beginning to feel the latter. I wonder if its just lonilness of if it is some sort of mystical sign.

I guess what sparked this all off is that I just recently learned that one of my friends is most likely 90% sure dead. Now i know this is odd and the statement preceeding this one is ever more bizzare but let me give you a history about it. Being the nerd I am, I used to play a fantasy role playing game called Major Mudd. It was an online game similar to everquest but much simpler and free and wholey based on text. Back in those days, I would spend much time on it conversing with friends and living out my life in a fantasy environment. You meet a lot of cool people online and being aggressive I established my presence and formed a "gang" in this online community. I met two of the coolest people there named Blue and CK. It's funny that we never even exchanged our real names but they were both from Israel and we spent a lot of nights talking about life and the military, etc. These were young kids but with years of talking with one another etc. you grow close to them. The way the game is set up, its like your hanging out virtually and with the constant threats of gang wars (within the game) etc. you learn to trust and you establish a bond. It was today that I learned that CK is basically MIA. We used to keep touch on and off and I knew that the service was hard for him but I never realized the dangers it is to actually be jewish and live in israel. It's weird for me because this would probably be the first person I have known in my entire life to have died. I've always counted myself lucky and I was sure I would die before anyone else (just call it a weird premonition) but it seems to have hit harder than I thought it would. I can't stop leaking tears from my right eye. I'm not crying, but they're leaking. I don't know why. I don't know why.

Basically I don't know.

I don't know what to do .
I don't know what to think.
I dont know what life has in store for me.
I dont know.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 4:51 AM

Tuesday, January 22, 2002

Life.
What is life? A simple random convergence of realities? Perceptions and judgements to be proven or disproven time and time again? Why do we go through simple events and commit simple actions with the thought of a greater purpose? I've found myself cognitating these simple facts over and over in my mind for the past few days. Where I find friends have become strangers, enemies into friends, and my world simply changing to chaotically for my simple mind to handle. Was it always this confusing? I long for the simple days when a friend was a person to meet and have fun with, an enemy was a person to be disliked, and life was much simpler than the Gumption: a box of chocolates.

Was it me that changed? When did some of my closet friends become strangers? When did my God become aloof in my life? I pondered these questions not becuase of their situation that presented itself to me, but of its importance. Why is it that friends who vowed to be close forever eventually drift apart. This paradigm strikes me closest to my heart. The people who I thought that I could depend on with my money, wife, and life soon only are depended on my wife and life, and then after my life. And finally, none at all. From what I can surmise, the human race is doomed to spend its lonely miserable lives in solitude surrounding themselves with the ever present illusion of companionship or camrardrie. Busom buddies become misbegotten teats to be shriveled and casted away, hardships vowed to be endured are soon forgotten over the drunken wake-up call by the police. False souding promises that were chanted during drinking become whispered hollows through the ears of many. When has Man become the false-eyed god of his own image with the phrophet being the long silvered tongue? In this bleak imagery of lies, falsehoods, preverications, I find it harder and harder to trust my fellow Man, regardless that he be friend or foe. Does the world have to revolve around the simple you do this for me and I'll do this for you? The hard simple fact of the matter is, it does. So what can I surmise from my experiences so far? Nothing lasts forever. Cherish the friends you do have, because with time, they will drift apart. Promises will soon become faded, broken vows will leave jaded enemies, and jilted friends are people you never want to associate. Live life to its fullest second. It won't ever come back again.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 5:03 AM

Monday, December 17, 2001

wow. I'm sorry for all you people. I have not updated this blogpage in a while. I've been so busy with life and school that I just couldnt seem to find the time to write things down. I'll try to do so more in the future. Let's see, what has happened to me in the past couple months. I've won the love of a great girl, I've broken off relations with my family, I've cut down on smoking, and I've been doing well in school. That's about it. But lets get down to the specifics shall we. My girlfriend, Mina. She's great. Just about a nice girl as one can find. She's nice, gentle, caring, she's afraid of the dark and scary movies :-) Sometimes we clash and fight, but we soon make up. I wasn't prepared for the latter part of our relationship but I'm soon learning to deal with her, and my own, instabilities. She's off in Korea right now and she cried when she left. I felt really bad too. But I love her, yes I do, and I can't wait till we meet again. Now for my family. I've grown tired of them. Is that selfish? I ask myself that very same question everyday. I can't understand why they feel the need to regulate every aspect of my life. Obviously some choices I have made are unsatisfactory to their standards, but it is my life. I don't want to go into details, but I threatened to just go and never come back again. In my opinion, working 2-3 jobs and getting financial aid in college was prefferable to living in a prison of my parent's making. We're still working it out but its pretty bad. Now for the smoking part, I've cut down a lot. Maybe its time to quit. I certainly want too. Its much harder than I anticipated but hopefully Zyban will work. I'm concerned though, not about smoking but my room mate situation. I can't blame my roommmate for wanting to live by himself next year due to my crazy family. But I was hoping we'd stay together. Maybe we will, but I doubt it. I guess i'm going to have to live by myself next year but I'm not too worried. I just hope I won't be too lonely and such. I wish he would tell me to my face than hiding behind others. We'll see. I'm at the library right now typing up my paper so I have to go. But to all of you, have fun and be happy this winter break.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 9:51 AM

Sunday, September 09, 2001

Well, the most amazing thing has happened to me in the past 5 days. I met a nice girl, and now we are together. Yes, that is right. I have a girlfriend, in the cheesy and superficial sense. However, it is NOT cheesy and superficial. In my life, I have never met someone who just...makes me feel comfortable. When I'm with her, I feel myself and all the problems and tribulations I face daily just fade away. We talk, and we listen, we console, and we kiss. We walk, we snuggle, we watch movies, we do everything together and its bliss. Maybe bliss is a too weak of a word. Nevertheless I feel as if I'm on cloud 9. She knows my past and she thinks I'm the greatest/nicest guy in the world. And for once, I'm happy to be who I am. We sync so well together, its almost scary. But the most I get to know her and be with her, the more beautiful and lovely she appears to me. It's as if everytime I see her, I see her for the first time. She once broke down to me and I just held her and listened to her for a couple hours consoling and putting in my input as I can. And she seemed to grateful for that to my utter shock. I wonder from time to time if this is my reward for my patience and being the so called "nice guy" all the time, and if it is, than my wait was well worth it. I could not imagine something better than this. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to die from the sheer bliss and happiness from it all. We are so similiar and we're always there for one another, its cute. I swear I hope I don't mess up this one.

I just thank God for introducing such a loveliness into my life. So for once in my life, I am at peace. The gaping emotional gap that was within me is gone, the need for companionship quelled, and I am whole inside, body, and soul. Sugoi.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 9:54 PM

Friday, September 07, 2001

Ok. I just read my post I made a few days ago and the thought went through my head, "What was I smoking?" Not that I do any drugs, b/c drugs are bad. But I think I gave a bad impression to you readers out there of what was going through my head. I'm much better now. The post I made those days ago were made out of frustration, anger, and just plain depression. I've been through a pretty traumatic experience but let me tell you my resolution.

After days of thinking and praying, I decided that revenge was not the answer. It may sound cliche' but I believe now that if we are truly going to function as God's people we need to turn the "proverbial cheek." Though I would have loved to have revenge, I guess I grew up more than I realized. The world already has enough problems with bigotry and hate. Not only the world but also right here around me: everywhere. Instead of preaching to the converted, I might as well take my own advice so I decided no revenge. Plus when I read my own post I was disgusted, b/c it sounded like I was some Gangsta-Wannabee which I "hate". But anyways, I've forgiven him but I'm still human so I "can't" forget the incident therefore I told him never to talk to me again. I'm still human after all.

I was really confused though in regards to my "little ice princess." I was all set to ditch her and never talk to her again but I went to CFC and I heard God calling me to talk to her and to give her another chance. So I went over to her place and talked to her for 2 hours and we seemed to settle things. I bluntly told her this, "do you wan't me to be a good friend or do you want me to be something else? Becuase I'm attracted to you but I don't know what to do or what you want." She gave me the typical talk that most girls tell me paraphrasing its about, "your so nice, I'm going to regret not going out with you b/c your the nicest guy in the world." Flattering yes, but redundant and repetitive, yes. I've heard that speech all my life. I'm either: A) a girl to you B) a gay guy friend C) a brother or D) the nicest guy in the world. Although I love to recieve compliments, I'm tired of always being the nice guy. But I guess its a burden I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life.

I was confused until a couple hours ago. My "little ice princess" came over today and ate my food (I told you I was a good cook) and she started to cuddle up with me again. Even though I heard from one of my chinese dongsengs that she was talking a little smack about me. *quick side note* My chinese dongseng told me she met her on the bus and tried to help me out b/c I told her in chinese when she and the "ice princess" "Da Ma Fan, Wu Ei Ni" which roughly means that she's trouble but I love it. Apparently my "ice princess" told my chinese dongseng that even though I was 'cute' she didn't want to go out with me b/c all my 3 friends were in love with her and it was messed up. Now I was shocked at this. First of all, my friends (whom we hang out all the time) really hate her and second of all I told her this b/c I was trying to help her have good relations with them. So I realized who she reminded me off. Little Miss Perfect/Innocent. Andri, you know who I'm talking about. I don't know for sure if she's innocent or not, or if shes honest or a natural born liar, but I decided than and there that I could not have a sustainable relationship with her. So I'll be a good friend but nothing more and from then on I would reject all further advances that she would (or will) make to me from then on.

Oddly enough, she did affect me a lot and I realized to what extent she did affect me. Year-long I have quite effectively suppressed the romantic/needy side of my life in the presence of school work and stress and from the moment I met her she drew out my need for companionship and love right away. With such a long suppression, my feelings came unto me 100 fold and I was soon bombarded with hormonal suggestions and an intense desire to "be with someone." Not just for the physicality, which was nice, but emotionally and spiritually. Succintly put, I was overwhelmed with emotions of both the desire for Love and Hate (this emotion is from the beat-down). But I have put the beat-down experience behind me, although I can't forget and I won't. Apparently my eye tissue is damaged restraining me from blowing my nose for a couple weeks and its killing me. Anyways to the issue at hand. For the longest reason I didn't know why or how my "little ice princess" could have effectively drawn out these long suppressed emotions from me. Usually I would just ignore girls or just never hang out with them again if they were bad to me. However I was drawn to her for some reason that boggles my mind. You may ask, how is this? Is that for real? I think so, b/c my last hurt was FOUR years AGO! Of course, God has a reason for everything and I 'think' I know the reason why.

I met a girl (yes another one) a few days ago who is a senior. At first, I didn't like her but I got to know her today and yesterday and I found myself oddly attracted to her. Now you may think that I'm just rebounding or being a 'God forbid' a Playa but its not true. For one thing the "ice princess" has an attractive rating of a 9/10. This senior girl is about a 7.5/10. BUT this is only based on physical appearance of which I am strictly against. I'm more of a personality person/aura of which to you guys and some girls sounds really really gay/homosexual. But thats just me. But as I got to know her more and more I found myself drawn to her even more so that the "ice princess". She has much better qualities than the "ice princess" and she's christian, sings, is kind, compassionate, studious, independent, and most importantly she "likes me back!!!" So than it hit me, as God does from time to time with a hammer to my brain. There is a reason for everything. If I had never met the ice princess, I would still be a studious no-girl guy and I would never have gotten to know such a nice girl (the senior one). So in effect, God has changed something bad into something good. Sometimes I don't comprehend the reasons God does things, but later I find out that its all for my benefit. Thanks for watching out God. So presently I'm on cloud 9 and happy as a skylark. My complicated issues have been resolved, I've slowly begun to control my feelings, I'm liking a girl who likes me back, and my friends like her as well but still they do not like the "ice princess". So things have done a 180 and I'm finally at ease. We'll see from here what will happen but the French have a wise saying about that. Kay Sara Sara: What happens, will happen.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 5:12 AM

Finally put past the annoying girl problem. Sorry. Its vague, but I'm just TOO HAPPY NOW!!! I'm in LOVE!!!!! More on this later.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 2:25 AM

Wednesday, September 05, 2001

I find life to be annoyingly consistent. Of things I don't need, girlfriends, love, problems, etc, I have. And those I want, good grades, academic studiousness, etc. I lack. I remember last year when it was vice versa, and yet I find things are complicated. Atleast I'm consistent in my growth as a person. Aye De Mi.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 1:19 PM

Thursday, August 30, 2001

Well, a lot has happened since the last time I talked to you. I've been kissed, I've been jumped, and I've gotten my heart broken. What? How can this happen to such a cool guy like you? Simple. I have the worst luck with women. Consistently. But let me break it down for you.

It was my friends birthday so we celebrated and drank large quantities of Soju (korean alcohol) and beer and went out. I had my eye out on this pretty Korean girl who was nice and oh so pretty. My friends went to visit this FOB of whom I didn't like so I opted to stay home and she stayed home with me. I didn't even hit on her b/c I didn't want a relationship however she was flirting with me and we eneded up kissing. To make a sad story short, I soon found my heart enraptured by this pretty ice princess.

Now my friend liked her and was hurt by her rejection, so his FOB friend got mad and they wanted to do something about it. I quickly put a stop to it b/c to me it was wrong. Plus they had all been drinking and to put it short, my friend is not clear-minded when he's drunk. My friend went home and I went to my room to sleep off the frustrations and my new found happiness. While I was taking off my clothes to goto sleep, the FOB comes into my room all quiet and decks me in both my eyes. Blinded but enraged, I put up a valiant fight but to be honest, I got my ASS Kicked pretty bad.

Enraged I call my friends and my Heung (Older brother type) to get revenge. I spent the 4 hours outside just sitting down, smoking, spitting up blood and thinking of revenge. My friends wanted to go beat down that Mofo and my heung wanted to break his legs but after careful consideration I decided to let it slide. Why you may ask? Because first I am a Christian (I know that sounds lame) and second I don't want another's pain to be hounding after me for the rest of my life.

Regardless, it was all for naught. She ends up dating my drunken-friend, and I'm here sipping beer and smoking thinking how life is too cruel and full of disapointments. All I have to show for these events are my bruises, blood, and pain. Sometimes I hate life and wonder whats the point of it all. In the words of a great man, "Fuck this."
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 8:27 PM

Saturday, August 25, 2001

Sigh. Today was a mixed feelings day. On the up side, I met a lot of new people who were really nice and respectful (Korean Style) and I was like the man at a cool party and a might-be new love interest. On the down side I unwittingly betrayed a friend, and the girl reminds me of my past Love. Let's talk about the upside first, I went to church today and cleansed my soul of all its inequities. Yet during service I noticed a very pretty girl and she kept looking at me every now and then. Don't be alarmed, I stopped and focused on God. :-) For the first time, all these FOBS came up to me during church like I was some kind of Godfather and asked me to "take care of them." Needless to say, I got an enormous headrush but quickly settled down to my normal nervous state. We went to the party afterwards and we had a lot of fun. It turns out this girl was liked by one of my friends so I decided to back off and not approach her with my nervous sweaty charm. Nevertheless at the party, she complained about being very thirsty and all I had to offer was beer of which she did not drink. She than promptly grabbed my hand and pulled me to wait in line. For many of you, this may be natural but for me I don't normally get treated like this. Soon fed up with the line she grabbed me and pulled me to the dance floor and proceeded to show me what an incredible dancer she was. Unknown to me, my friend saw this and was quickly heart-broken and left the party. We soon left and got her water and walked outside holding arms and I met some very old high school friends and we proceeded to chill and talk outside due to the heat. But I guess I was looking like a stud since my supposed girl was really FREAKIN hot (excuse the bad syntax) and soon when I left her (I didn't care for her thinking I should go away and let my friend have her) OTHER girls were looking at me (probably thinking "what does this guy have that the HOT girl likes him) and other Korean guys (FOBS) were approaching me like I was some super rock star stud that they should get to know. Well, she came back to me and we danced some more, etc etc and had some fun and I walked to her home. Aye De Mi! She reminds me of my old Love of which I still reminisce over so I'm still over mixed feelings about her. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. Well its late and I need to go. Lot's of work tomorrow. An'Young!
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 2:48 AM

Wednesday, August 22, 2001

Konichiwa! Today was my first day back at school and its going well. I met all my teachers so far and they seemed nice. As I met some of my dongsengs, I've begun to realize how different Koreans (FOB) and Korean-Americans are in respect and personalities. My best friend's younger sister is a freshman now at my college and I took them around. I was discussing them with my roommate and he asked me a funny question in Korean. He wanted to know if he wanted me to "help" them. I guess its a real big thing for him and I slowly began to understand the issues of "respect" etc. that entails in being an oppa. Regardless it was all for naught when my dongsengs treated my roommate crudely and rudely and I began to see why people feel uncomfortable with FOBS. Four years ago, I would have never pictured being friends or living with a FOB but now they are probably the only people I can hang out with.

I guess life does throw you a lot of curve balls like my old friend talked about. I met my old friend Chris and for the first time we drank together and talked of old times. It was good to talk to old friends again from my childhood and not have them judge me as most of them do now. When I look at Chris, I see myself in a ways, on the verge of maturity and understanding how life is full of hardships and oppressiveness. But he is happy, and I hope to see him stay that way. Sadly I see hard times ahead but God willing, he will go through them with minimal pain and stay true to his Yaja (woman). I have class soon so I'm going now, but as always I wish you readers love, luck, and good fortune.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 7:20 PM

Saturday, August 18, 2001

Hi. It's been a while, but I've just settled in my school in Urbana. A lot has happened in the few weeks that I have not updated this blogspot. I've been through hell and back and the trip was very eventfull. To this point, I can't even try to see what life has for me. As I told my best friend once, "Life has thrown us many curves and it sucks like hell." My relationship with my parents has dipped to a new low. At first, I thought honesty and talking would allow us to embark on a new healthier relationship. However, as I soon found out, their innate Korean stubborness ruined any chances I believe to allow any salvage of our ties. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and they love me, but I would not live with them for more than 3 days if it was my choice. Sometimes I think that no matter what I attempt in life, it won't appease them unless I either achieve world wide fame or fortune. Than in their eyes, I have succeeded. Sometimes I hate the cards life deals me, but I have no choice but to play them.

I have yet to come to terms of my hellish 2 days but maybe later I can write them here now. But to end on a good note, my best friend is getting MARRIED!!! Yes it is true. When I saw him this summer, I was suprised at how mature he became, in many aspects. Taking a leap to that phase is a big one and I am proud to stand by him at the initiation of his new life. If you could catch that subtle hint, he asked me to be his Best Man. An honor that I would be glad enough to take because I have known him longer than anyone and the shit we've been through has forged a relationship stronger than any that I know. Now all I have to do is prepare a speech and a Bachelor's Party. ^^

Maybe my karma is bad, or maybe I'm supposed to learn something, but I hope my life gets easier today and the next. Till next time.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 2:15 PM

Wednesday, August 01, 2001

Sorry. I've been mucho busy. Finals are this week and its study study study, procrastinate procrastinate, procrastinate. Thank the Lord I got a 97% on my last exam. I'm still on a high from being published and more and more ideas are coming into my head for my book. I should really step up production on that. I took a "Are you Gay or Straight" Test and I failed by 1%. Supposedly the average is that men are 38% personalty wise gay and i'm a "39%" which does not make me worried becuase I know I'm pretty straight and I probably lost b/c a lot of questions I failed b/c of Homo Do. What is Homo Do? For example, Tae Kwon Do is three symbols. Tae is Hand, Kwon is Foot, and Do is Art Of. So it basically means Art of the Hand and Foot. Homo Do is the art of the homo. Its a Korean thing. Ask anyone around the Chicago land area thats Korean. 90% chance that they either do homo do or are the recipient of it. Anyways, if you want to take the test here is the website. http://test.thespark.com/gaytest/ Have fun.

posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 5:17 PM

Saturday, July 28, 2001

FireFly

I stare into your deep brown eyes
And remember the way we used to be.
I stare into your deep brown eyes
And sparks of Love are what I see.
Together we’d sit b’neath the old oak tree
By and by we’d lift out eyes.
The skies lit up a thousand fireflies
that burst with life and slowly die.
In one another’s arms, safe and secure
I’d tremble in awe of what I held pure.
The aura of Love so bright and true,
I felt nothing could sever the me and you.
I gaze into your sad brown eyes
And remember the way we used to be.
I gaze into your sad brown eyes
And watch you as you slowly leave me.

Just a little ditty that I wrote. Apparently people like it.

posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 2:06 AM

Friday, July 27, 2001

Oh. Great news!!! I, yours truly, am going to be published in a BOOK!!! Yes. Aparent a poem that I wrote, a little piece of drivel was selected out of thousands to be published in a real life book. And not just any book but a cool looking one, leather bound coffee table edition. Life is good.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 5:23 PM

Monday, July 23, 2001

Oh Man am I tired. Sorry its been a long while since I've updated this page. Lets see whats been happening to me these past few days. I went home to work at a store called Nordstroms where they have a huge sale in which I can make around 1000 dollars, if I'm lucky, in a few days. I worked about 40 hours in 3 days and I am so tired. It was good however to meet up with old friends after work, even though I was really exhausted. I met an old crush of mine and to put it mildly, I was a little offset by her attitude towards me. Maybe its because I was used to the attention I recieved from her before, but now I'm a little put off and a little agonized by it. Maybe its a step in the direction in which I wish to go in alleviating the silent longing in my heart or maybe its just plain mean. I do not know but maybe we'll see how it develops.
I am realizing that many of my friends are dating. My good friend is dating my ex-crush, my high school friend/youth leader has a girlfriend, and one of my older friends (lets say #1) has a g/f now. I have to admit I am jealous and I wish I could find the closeness in someone they appear to be sharing, but maybe I am doomed to a tramatic and depressing life of solitude. I've learned to accept it. Apathetic? Certainly. However the pressing questions of my future and my education have taken precedence and I can always, how do the Koreans say it, Da Da Dri. (Shasta McNasty)
I also found out many of my dong-sengs (little sis's) or coming to U of I this fall. They obviously don't know the truth of my lifestyle or my attitude and I envision many of them not understanding. It was kind of sickening to going back to the lifestyle of hidden truths and alternate faces that I have to put on for other people, when I have strived to be more honest with myself, my friends, and my parents. I think that many of them will be disillusioned with me in the coming year but I'm going to tell them soon and explain to them why I am the way I am. From a poster role model of the church to a burnt out, drinking smoker. An odd transition but I still believe, and so do many of my closest friends, to be the same person that I am inside even though my outside has changed. I just hope they understand and if not, than I would have to say their loss.

A parting word: Churches should never make you feel bad for anything that is either out of your realm of control or should be something that you should deal with God and yourself. This is probably THE biggest beef I have with most churches that I have encountered. Today one of my dongengs and I were eating at a picnic and it started to rain pretty heavily. She started to feel bad that she couldnt make it to church on time to help translate b/c it was raining. What is the deal with that? Why should she feel bad about something that was out of her control such as the rain? I underwent a similar experience with this at a Praise Night I went to the past weekend. Although I appeared different, longer hair, dyed blonde, an earring, people who once knew me and were close viewed me as a stranger. As if my outward appearance effected my inward attitude and that I was "changed" as they put it. It really struck close to home that people I thought I knew could be more superficial than I realized. This is not to say I despise churches, but I do despise the way they teach our younger generation to abhor what is different and to stay with what is the same. There always should be understanding. Arrigatou!
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 10:02 PM

Sunday, July 15, 2001

Today was one of the more pleasant days I have had in a while. I went over to visit the Korean Fobs and all 20 of us went to the park to have an old fashioned Korean Barbecue. It was great, sliced beef, Kimchee, Lettuce, De-Jang, and Coke. The perfect ingredients for a messy but nice barbecue, and not to forget the most important ingredient-Soju. Soju being the most widely drinked Korean alcohol, and it comprises of 20% alcoholic content -Consider it weak vodka. Afterwards we sat around and sang songs, some english and some Korean, and laughed at each others jokes and singing ability. I find my self more at peace when I hang out with these types of people, rather than the run of the mill friends whose goals are to just get drunk and get laid. I cannot characterize their attitudes and lifestyles succintly in words but I guess they are more laid back and optimistically fun would be a very weak generalization. They are the nicest group of people I have probably ever met and I hope to be influenced positively by them in the future. I do know that my friend Jay and I are planning to go to Korea in the winter and they all want us to visit them. I know that we are going to. Well, those are my two cents. I need to go to church more often is the side note I have appended on here. I'm going home next weekend to work at Nordstrom's Children Shoes Department and I hope that I can make lots of money. I'm going to suprise my friend Julie I bet. Well, Be well. An Young! (Good Bye)
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 11:49 PM

Thursday, July 12, 2001

Hi. I just found a great quote that really really made me laugh. This is from Jander Blackheart, "Friends will help you move. True friends will help you move the bodies." Ja' Ne.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 4:50 AM

Moshi Moshi! Thanks to Jon Yang who has once again helped me refine and prolify this blog page. See that word, stupid civ class is making me learn harder words to use. Sigh, six more hours until my test. I just need to make it through this day. I saw Final Fantasy yesterday and boy was it lame. It was ok as well as in animations and special effects, but the plot and motifs were horrendous. It was obviously catered to the American Public in the sense of weak drama and cliche'd lines. It was very weak and I would have rathered saw Scary Movie 2. So far the total hours of sleep I have attained in these past 4 days now will be 9 hours, and my stomach is beginning to rebel from all the strain and coffee I have unceromiously poured into my gullet. Kudos to me. I am going home to work at Nordstroms during the first 3 days of the sale and hopefully make a lot of money so that I can eat some good food for a change. I need money for so many things, sigh. Lets summarize whats been going on in my life, my hair is longer than ever, school is hard, my english teacher is harder, no sleep in 4 days, saw a crappy movie, and I've recently renewed a friendship with an old friend of mine. One of my best friend's younger sister who happens to be coming to my college in the fall.

From what I have remembered of her, she has grown up immensely and I was suprised to learn that she and I have many things in common. I guess in the past I have always seen her as my best friend's sister but now its different since we are both older and wiser. It was refreshing to see someone from my past, before my corruption. Grin. Well, I need to go back to studying but let us say things are going well for me and I just need to ace both of these tests. An Young!
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 1:36 AM

Wednesday, July 11, 2001

Yawn! I am so tired, I have 2 exams tomorrow and I have not slept the second day in a row. At least my English 210 class went well today because my blind english professor called me an "Impotent Bastard" twice. Seriously, this is a good thing, he was joking around but evidently he was excited that I expressed an opinion contrary to his whereas my classmates who are all sycophants kept agreeing with him. The result of incivility has once again expressed itself unto me. Well, I'm going to drink more coffee and hopefully get my studying done. I'll update things more when I pass out and get some rest. Hmm. Quote for today is from Rick Cook who once wrote: "Sleep? Isn't that a weaker substitute for caffeine?" Ja'Ne.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 5:34 AM

Tuesday, July 10, 2001

Hi. I’ve resolved to write in bigger print b/c I’m squinting at everything I see. However, I can't seem to be able to change the font. Oh well. I'm going to try to make it bold and see if thats a little better. I’m going full steam ahead with my writing career, if it is one, and I even bought a small book in which to write in when the mood hits me. Maybe it’s my destination in life, I do not know, but I do know it will be a good sideline for me. I met a bunch of older Koreans (FOBS) last week and I would have to say that I feel more at home with them then any other group of people I have met down here in Urbana. I don’t know if it’s genetic of just a sense of camaraderie, but I have a good time there. They truly know the meaning of respect and humility. I helped one of them buy a guitar today, just like when my mentor Mr. Yoo helped by me a guitar. It was good to pick up a guitar and just play, since I haven’t in a long time. The guitar that I recommended was a Takamine acoustic. It was a pretty good buy for around 200 dollars and I argued with the guy to sell it for less. I’m busy with schoolwork now and I’m puzzled by one thing: When am I going to hit the turning pointing my life. I know I hit a major one during junior high school and I feel that I need another one to move on to the next stage in life. For some reason, I felt it coming near this morning and I drastically need one. The state that I am in now is insufficient for me to continue in and I feel the need to evolve or transcend my current state of being into a more mature and developed one; and One of more thoughtfulness and wisdom rather than rashness and lazy-dreaming. I have also been wondering what would my life have been like if I had been raised in Korea? For all intents and purposes, I think it might have been better in the aspect where I would not be as worried or saddened by my isolation of my emotions towards people but in retrospect I would not be the compassionate and understanding person I am today. It’s something to think about, choosing a path of popularity (the FOB girls think I am hot) or one of deep moral and intellectual understanding. Regardless, we have to play the cards we are dealt with. Today is a hard week for me academically so wish me luck. Yo Ka Ta!
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 6:49 AM

Sunday, July 08, 2001

Moshi Moshi! Sorry for not updating this for a while, life has been hectic as usual. I don't know if theres really much to talk about now. Lets see...I did get in touch with an old friend of mine from way back in high school. She invited me to a CFC praise night and it was most sudden, due to the circumstance that we have not always seen eye to eye. As I went to the praise night, I found it refreshing in a most spiritual manner. Cliche? Yes. True? Also yes. It was rejuvenating and a comfort in my spiritual quest of self awareness. I found it ironic, extremely ironic, that long ago I used to be the church goer and she used to stay uninvolved from churches. I also saw my cousins that day as well, and another old guy friend there. As usual he was rebuff with sentiment but I have gotten use to his cool exterior and pity him for his shallowness. Do I sound superficial? Not if you know me. :-) Oh. I know. I've also been lifting pretty hardcore and I actually have a muscle again! Heh. I really need to budget my time and clean up my act. I think I'm getting old in the fact that my old lifestyle will no longer suit my needs and desires in the future. I also found out the name of the girl in which I believe is the most prettiest girl I have seen since my last love which was 4 years ago. Jenny Chang. AND she's Korean. Ah, Unrecruited love. Is it ever a good thing? So let us recap: reconnected with an old friend, rebuffed by another, getting into shape, and found the name of the girl I am attracted too. Mental note: Is it ok to date someone 2 years younger than I am, whose family hates me, and is the younger sister of one of my best friends? As John Keat's said, "Aye de Mi!"
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 2:35 AM

Tuesday, July 03, 2001

Wow. I just took a test today and went home to sleep my hardcore cram. Nothing much to talk about, for now because I am still tired. However, I have learned a new appreciation of money. I need it, I want it, I have none of it. I think Verve said it best though about money, "You work all day to stay ahead, and than later now your dead."
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 2:12 AM

Monday, July 02, 2001

Oh Sleep! It is a gentle thing,
beloved from pole to pole.
To Mary Queen the praise be given.
She sent the gentle sleep from heaven,
that slid into my soul.

The silly buckets on the deck
that had so long remained.
I dreamt that they were filled with dew,
and when I awoke, it rained.

My lips were wet, my throat was cold.
My garments all were dank.
Sure I had drunken in my dreams,
and still my body drank.

I moved, and could not feel my limbs,
I was so light - almost
I thought that I had died in sleep
and was a blessed ghost.

And soon I heard the roaring wind
It came not anear
But with its sound it shook the sails,
that were so thin and shear.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 6:06 AM

The rainbow comes and goes;
and lovely is the rose.
The moon doth with delight,
look round her when the heavens are bare.
Waters on a starry night
look beautiful and fair.
The sunshine is a glorious birth;
but yet I know, wher'ver I go
That there hath past away a glory from this earth.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 4:49 AM

Wednesday, June 27, 2001

I forget who said it, but I remember reading once that someone stated that God has a terrific sense of humor, at our expense. Whether or not this is blasphemous or not, I do admit that many times he shows me the error of my mistakes in an ironic way. Take for example the last post, the second I wrote it I regretted it and discovered how wrong I was in thinking this way. I just wish family life would appear just as the television shows, however than life would be boring I guess.

I've been real busy academically but I find that there are now two issues in my life that are causing me the most grief. Academics and Money, both of which I need in great quality. Maybe its driving me crazy, I don't know but to me money is important but not something one should put too much emphasis on. I realized this today when I was cooking and my oven caught on fire. This was a pretty scary moment for me b/c when I turned around, I saw flames bursting inside the oven. I then opened the door and attempted to blow it out, however it seemed to fuel the flames even more and started to catch on fire on the outside. Thinking quickly, I ran to the kitchen and threw bowls of water at it. Close call? Maybe. It puts some things in perspective. Asianly enough (yes that's my new word) I told my parents on the phone and they were more concerned about the cost of the oven than my own safety. Go figure. Sometimes I don't know if they even care, and sometimes I feel as if I'm the most important thing to them. Maybe its some deep psychological paradigm or something, but I have to live with it every day.

I used to think that the problem with me was that I didn't try hard enough, or I was lazy but lately I've become to realize that maybe its my personality. Not to be immodest but I consider myself a real nice guy with a very deep-felt compassion for others. Atleast this is what my best friend Julie says to me. But I've noticed that people who are harder and more selfish seem to be more happy or satisfied with themselves and their lives. Life does get hard, and it throws curve balls every other pitch, but is there something at the end of the proverbial dark tunnel? I find myself reflecting once again on my own life and I see a downward slope in my own morality and spirituality. I was a good boy once, a model Korean; and I influenced others to follow my example. However, is my lifestyle currently influencing the ones I love negatively? If so, I can count 3 people that I have hurt by my selfishness.

Maybe I'm too hard on myself, or maybe not enough. All I know is that I need to get things into perspective and move on. For all you music listeners out there, I recommend a song by the band called Staind called "Its Been a While." As Vivian Hsu says, "Lao Fu Fu."
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 10:32 PM

Tuesday, June 26, 2001

One Word. In fact, a couple words. I hate my parents.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 10:36 PM

Monday, June 25, 2001

Konichiwa! I know, its been a very long time since I have written and frankly, its because I have become very busy in my academics. I just wrote an impressive paper in 4 hours, of which they were during 1 am to 5 am. I drank an inordinate amount of coffee and cranked my mind to overload. So I just have one exam on wednesday and I should be fine. Hmm. Let's recap on things that has happened to me these past few days. I met a lot of old friends this weekend. My friend Jay and I decided to stop by our friends dorm room to visit him and his girlfriend.

John and Jaci, just by these names you can already assume that they are probably going to get married. I mean it has a nice ring to it, say it with me slowly, Joooohn and Jaaaaci. LoL. Now these two are destined for one another, you can see it if you watch them together, the chemistry and honesty in their relationship is something to really envy over. Not only is she nice and sweet, but she also likes video games. And *cough* shes blonde. For those of you who do not know me, I have a thing (well specifically an obsession) over blonde women. I don't know, I think its genetic. But anyways, they're nice but sometimes they get so lovey dovey it sickens me.

Besides the obvious that I'm most likely sardonic and sickened by romance and such, does not mean I have given up all hope on the mysterious female species. It so happens I met a nice girl this past weekend who is sweet, practical, and very sexy. Did I mention that she is very sexy? Honey blonde hair, long legs, nice eyes, great smile.... Anyways, I am in no ways fallen in love with this girl but I find it refreshing for a change to just have fun. Does it sound like I'm a player? Heavens no. Regardless of the issue, I struck up a good chemistry with her and we talked and discussed our lives and choices and things like that. The only problem I have with her is most likely, how can I say, maybe I shouldn't. But reflecting upon this, I realized something. Maybe I am a bad player or something becuase our whole relationship (our one day conversation) is based on a lie. I know some of you may be laughing but for some reason when she asked for my name, where I was etc, I just lied. I do not know what came over me but it just happened. I think it might be my roommate's indirect influence (he lies all the time) but for some reason I began to lie out of my @$$. So it was probably nice while it lasted, and who knows what the future may bring. I may see her again, I may not but if I do I do not know if I will continue with the charade or tell her straight out the truth. Ae De Mi! The lengths us man go to to attract the opposite sex.

So that is my life so far, met a woman, had fun, studied hard, wrote a paper, and now studying for another test. Wish me Luck!

Oh, also I forgot to mention thanks to Jon Yang for helping me do my webpage, as you can no doubt see, it has become much better and more defined thanks to his web-skilled influence. Ikimasho!
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 9:48 PM

Thursday, June 21, 2001

Ahh. I am so tired, it rained like a mother today. Poor english aside, I decided not to sleep from last night to safe guard against me missing class once again. True to form, I stayed up all night, played a little starcraft, and tried to read the poems that are dur for that day. Many of you do not know, but my proffessor is blind, and has a woman TA to aid him in his task. I can't help but feel pity for him, however going to his class angers me becuase he seems to convey an aura of arrogance that prickles beneath my skin. Today I attempted to allude a poem by Colleridge to the crufication of Jesus Christ, and he always shuts me down as usual by claiming it to be a "naive reading" of the bible. Naive reading? WTF is up with that? Anyways, I guess that's always been my problem. I could never take public criticism well. I also get a weird vibe from my english TA, she seems to be checking me out or something. I don't know if it's becuase I'm good looking, or theres something crawling out of my nose. But her stare seems to intesify when I scrath my goatee, since I've decided to just goto class wearing the shaggiest comfortable clothes, my glasses, and an unshaven appearance. Why you ask? Because my teacher is blind! Yea yea, thats harsh but now I can focus more on the statements I make in class rather than my appearance etc. This class is one of the most dificult english classes I have ever taken, and daily I get jealous of this Chinese FOB (Fresh Off the Boat) who has an extreme difficult time of grasping the english language, but dictates his incredible ideas and thesis with ease of an English Scholar. I rarely get jealous of people, so I am finding it very difficult to cope with this ugly sensation of emotions.

I ran yesterday, and boy I felt good. It was odd, but it was good to run again. Something that I should begin to do more of, however its raining out now so I'm putting it off until the weather begins to warm up again. One thought, I don't know what is wrong with the younger generation of people today. Dang, now I sound like an old old man. They seem to have no concept of morality, or consequences for that matter, and I am not a perfect role-model, but I try to convey a sense of maturity or responsibility. However, I just can't seem to convey it to the younger generation anymore. Maybe I'm losing perspective, but it just seems to be the case.

Maybe I'm a worry-wart, but I'm worried. My dongsangs, my sister, my future, etc, but maybe this is a sign that I need to put my own life into perspective. A deep thought, if there ever was one. Just talked to my boy Jason Kim, the buffest Korean guy I know. It was cool to talk and chill for a bit, wish I was back at home so we could hang out again. However, that's not the case. I don't know I'm taking summer school, but in for a penny in for a pound as they say.

As I reflect, I'm proud of my life, even though there are moments and habits that others may not approve of. But my life has changed toward a more profound direction, of compassion and more understanding. "Life's a Lesson" says DMX. Maybe he's right.
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 9:59 PM

Wednesday, June 20, 2001

Hi Hi! I'ts a brand new day, and I missed class. It totally pissed me off, becuase I'm trying to be very academic but so far its going poorly. Life can be a Bitch sometimes. The good thing is that I somehow did an hour of homework in 5 minutes and got it sent to the internet just in the nick of time. Sometimes I think my brain is smart after all. Today is just your typical day, nothing big happening and nothing to do. I guess I should run like I always tell myself I should but somehow I just can't get myself to commit. I think I'll tuck in early today, I need to wake up early tomorrow and I have to remind myself that I have to write a paper. My friend Jay and Haeyun came by yesterday and I made them my very special Poor Man's Jam Bong. Which reminds me there are a lot of dishes to do in the sink. Sigh, so many things to do, so much time to do them, yet I'm just not motivated... Ja' Ne!
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 6:24 PM

Tuesday, June 19, 2001

Hi! This is my first webpage, and I hope you like it, although it may be weird at times, I find it very therapeutic. Hmm. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Korean, 5'10'' (or so I would like to believe) and a student at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champagne. I like all kinds of music, enjoy dancing, and reading. I have blonde hair (long) thats cropped up short at the sides. The typical thug-wannabee look. I think thats all I have to say about me. Today was just a boring day, woke up, went to class, and came back home. Although at class i felt utterly moronic since I found out how inept I am in the world of literature. I am currently enrolled in English 210 and I found that I had difficulty in reading a poem by Wordsworth called "Intimations of Immortality" It doesn't bode well since I'm attempting (this being the word of the day) to write a book. It casted doubt on the whole literary expansion thing my life has begun to turn too. I find that a lot of people who are english-challenged are much more knowledgeable than I am on the topic of "english" and I can't find it in my heart not to be jealous.

Besides that, I wrote down a few ideas for my book, talked to my good friend Andri (shout out) and talked to some of my dong-sangs. Dong-sangs in korean means little sister/brother and in most cases not necessarily by blood. I made study plans with one of them to meet at the Union by 6 and the other we talked and catched up on old times. I'm worried about my other dong-sang though, he/she (sorry gotta be vague) is going through some of the pitfalls in life that I once had too. And although I didn't make the right choice some of the times, I want to be there and help him/her understand how to put it in the past and move on towards the future. I feel sorry for him/her b/c he/she doesn't have older people to look up too or ask advice for, something that I fortunately was blessed with. All I can do for now, is pray and hope he/she will get through it better than I ever did.

Recently, I've been plagued by religious reasons. One of which was sparked by a friend who remarked to me, "I think I'm falling away from God." I'm very religious, although some aspects of my lifestyle speaks contrary of this. I strive to be the best person I can be, but lately I've fallen towards secularism. I like to think that I'm compassionate and caring, however sometimes I'm not. I'm plagued with many things, things that I try to control but I cannot. I've stopped smoking for quite a while, however I just couldn't go without one drag today, which makes all the other days seem meaningless. Sigh. I wish smoking was good for you, unfortunately, its not. I guess the root of the problem are my friends. Friends meaning my old church friends that I knew back in high school, most of them do not know the alternate lifestyle that I have embraced and tried to leave behind. Some aspects I have been successful, but others are still clinging like chocolate on a Charleston Chew. I have the burning desire to come clean but I've already had bad reactions from some, and of these I still feel pain over to this day.

Churches these days I find to be very superficial. It may be from my selfish point of view, but I find that it leaves not a lot of room for mistakes or growth. Of which I find only judgement and longing. I really do not blame them, for I a while back was one of these people, looking down my nose at those whom I deemed to be unworthy of going to church or unworthy of salvation. However, ironically I have become one of these people who I used to deem as unworthy. Talk about your sense of humor God. For the most reason, Church Youth are told to stay away from these people and to turn a blind eye to them, contrary to what the bible says of "Loving all Man" but it wasn't until I talked to one of my good brothers during a Mission Trip to the Dominican Republic, could I grasp my nature and move forward on with my life. To this day, I dislike the organized religion that many churches have set up and shudder and the cliques of people who goto church and love God, but despise their fellow man. Now I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I have become sensitized to these people, of whom I find that I cannot concentrate on my God when I'm around those who are one sided. In this respect, I thank God for my mistakes in life of that I have grown to be more compassionate to my fellow brothers and sisters. I just wish some of my friends can see that in me, and choose not to focus on my mistakes but my growth. So I'm still undecided upon the issue of letting my old "church friends" know the real me, but until I do make a decision, I'm going to have to put up a front like most people do.

I think that's about all there is for today. I d/l a song, Boyz II Men: It's so Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday. Yes, I know, your probably saying, "Hey Azn Mamma's Boy, that song is older than joe mamma! Get a life!" Now first of all, don't talk about my mamma like that! J/K. A bad joke, but I guess its the soddy romantic side of me that can't "forget that one girl" or so my best friend Andri told me. But I guess it is truly hard to get over someone you really love. But I'm looking to the future, and I think its bright and maybe there will be a cute girl there who wants to hang around me. That and maybe I'll be a millionaire. Until next time, as the Japanese always say: Arrigatou!
posted by Azn Mamma's Boy 4:17 PM